Swearing off parenting advice

I’m considering an early New Year’s resolution: to not read any more parenting articles online.

I just finished this one, about what babies need, and I’m pissed. While it’s probably mostly right, it also makes me feel judged. I’m so sick of hearing how stopping breastfeeding before the kid is a year old will make her ill, how sleeping in another room will cause her to become malnourished, or how doing any number of things wrong will “undermine their trust of others, their health and social wellbeing, and lead to self-centered morality which can do much destruction to the world.”

This article isn’t the only one of its kind. As a mom, I feel as if I am constantly bombarded with messages saying I am not doing enough, or what I am doing is wrong.

At the same time, I’m told to trust my instincts and do what is best for my child. I’m advised to disregard any shrill catastrophizing. Articles say that to indulge in any panicky worrying makes me a helicopter mom, paranoid mom or whiny mom.

At the same time, the Internet tells me to read up on parenting philosophies, developmental milestones and the latest research on everything from starting solids to sleep training. It doesn’t help that these are all conflicting, too.

Pacifiers either prevent your baby from dying from SIDS or they create binkie-dependent whiners. Bed sharing is either the natural way to nurture your baby or a quick way to murder her. Letting babies cry either teaches them to self-soothe or creates “dangerous reptiles whose world revolves around themselves.”

I’m a reasonably intelligent person. I know that I’m doing a decent job of raising my daughter. I know, logically, that I have every right to tell these experts to shove it. But the endless lists of don’ts and or elses wear down my defenses. I begin to worry that Edie isn’t gaining weight at the standard pace because she sleeps in the bedroom next to ours. I fear that I didn’t give her enough skin to skin time when she was newborn. I wonder if leaving her on the play mat while I eat breakfast makes her feel neglected. I can’t bring myself to buy her formula to drink even though she’s been biting me several times during most feedings.

So I’m going to do my best to heed the sage advice my older sister gave me during my baby shower. “Don’t listen to the judgy bitches,” she wrote.

Judgy experts and psychologists and researchers and scientists and authors all over the internet: I don’t need your finger wagging and proclamations and warnings and speculation about how cavewomen raised their babies. I don’t need your predictions about how my choices will create a future serial killer. I don’t need your advice to raise a happy, healthy, secure child.

So fuck off.

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0 thoughts on “Swearing off parenting advice

  • December 13, 2013 at 10:42 am
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    So refreshing. I found your post through your comment on the Psych Today article. I was SO frustrated, and I’m glad you said something. I just can’t hear any more about why and how I’m underachieving as a parent. Solidarity.

    Reply
    • December 14, 2013 at 3:28 pm
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      Ditto. I’m glad you sympathized, too. We have enough challenges without hearing about how we’re messing up our kids!

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    • December 14, 2013 at 3:27 pm
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      Thanks Jane. I try to remind myself that there are many ways to parent “right.” We’re resilient creatures, and being loved goes a long way.

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  • December 13, 2013 at 1:23 pm
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    My friend Jane pointed me to this post. Hear, hear. I’m nearing the end of my second pregnancy’s second trimester, and so grateful to have four years of parenting under my belt. My second child will have an experience reflecting my understandings and intuitions, which I now feel pretty darn good about.

    This will be in direct contrast to my experience with my first child, when I sought out the advice of more experienced parents and experts . . . and was crushed when I never seemed to do it just right. This time around, I go into it knowing kids are versatile. If loved, fed and compassionately interacted with, they’ll do just fine–no matter what specifics the experts (currently) advise!

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    • December 14, 2013 at 3:25 pm
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      I think I’ll be a lot more confident with our next baby, too. I’m already feeling more sure of our decisions together, and I have only five months under my belt.
      Congratulations on your next little addition!

      Reply
  • December 14, 2013 at 8:33 am
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    I found your post through Psych today as well.
    It was a ridiculous article, and I am surprised they even published it. Thanks you for your response, and this post.
    All this fear mongering, hyperbole and extremist nonsense. 40 years ago the advice was the total opposite. I hope that the pendulum eventually swings back to the middle, where women and children are supported in the choices that work best for them.
    Violations, indeed.

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    • December 14, 2013 at 3:23 pm
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      Thanks Mireille. I have to laugh because parenting advice is like dieting advice: One day, eggs will make you lose 10 pounds; the next day they’ll kill you – but in the end, eating well and exercising is the only real way to stay at a healthy weight. Ditto raising kids: Stay the middle way and have fun, and you’ll be fine.

      Reply
  • December 16, 2013 at 11:35 am
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    Don’t let the Ph.D (in an unrelated discipline) Darcia Narvaez possesses fool you: she’s a bitter, childless harpy who lashes out at parents in her blog, I suppose to work out her own childhood neuroses (that’s not actually a speculation; she’s mentioned her supposedly emotionally impoverished childhood on a previous blogpost). Despite the so-called references (many of which reference her own work, or other crappy studies), any connection between what she posts and the actual science is purely coincidental (Gotta love the glowing eyes criterion and the Noble Savage lovefest). You’d probably be a better parent taking what she says and doing the exact opposite.

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  • December 16, 2013 at 11:35 am
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    Don’t let the Ph.D (in an unrelated discipline) Darcia Narvaez possesses fool you: she’s a bitter, childless harpy who lashes out at parents in her blog, I suppose to work out her own childhood neuroses (that’s not actually a speculation; she’s mentioned her supposedly emotionally impoverished childhood on a previous blogpost). Despite the so-called references (many of which reference her own work, or other crappy studies), any connection between what she posts and the actual science is purely coincidental (Gotta love the glowing eyes criterion and the Noble Savage lovefest). You’d probably be a better parent taking what she says and doing the exact opposite.

    Reply
  • December 16, 2013 at 6:50 pm
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    Oh honey. It was Darcia Narvaez. She’s kind of crazy. Those of us who parent in the real world know what glowing eyes really mean: Lycanthropy.

    In Darcia’s ideal world, I’m a dead woman, so I’ve moved past it. It’s my firm belief that most parents of most children are doing the best they can with the circumstances they have. My support for this position is that most children appear to turn out just fine (although it seems like there’s a mandatory amount of hand-wringing that has to be dished up about each generation). I have sometimes done hard-core attachment parenting things, and sometimes done the opposite, because my kids are different people who needed different things. You know your kids, you are the person best placed to figure out what they need.

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    • December 17, 2013 at 10:46 am
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      Haha, at least I don’t have a werewolf baby! (Although my husband calls her Zombie Baby sometimes because she bites. But maybe that’s more like a vampire?)

      I wholly subscribe to the advice of parenting according to your individual child. Thanks for the vote of confidence!

      Reply
  • December 16, 2013 at 8:47 pm
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    Here, here! Love this!
    (I also just posted something sort of like this, too.)

    Reply
  • December 16, 2013 at 8:47 pm
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    Here, here! Love this!
    (I also just posted something sort of like this, too.)

    Reply
  • December 18, 2013 at 9:06 am
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    I got a nice chuckle out of your post, which I also found from the article by that notorious dingbat. I like to read her because she makes me laugh with her far-out ideas. I’m immune to ‘mommy guilt’ because I’m actually a daddy (albeit a single one) and if there’s such a thing as ‘daddy guilt’, I haven’t come across it yet. I read a certain number of parenting books just so I would have different strategies for dealing with things when they came up, but of course the contradictory nature of much of it is self-evident. Babies are all so different and it’s just a matter of finding what works best for your particular child in your particular circumstance. It’s funny, despite having the best possible excuse for not breastfeeding (not actually having breasts!), a number of people still tried to guilt me into getting donor milk because without it my child will grow up a stunted human being. I laughed at them.

    Reply
    • December 18, 2013 at 5:41 pm
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      Your comment made me laugh – haha, yes you do have a fantastic reason for not breastfeeding! I always thought I’d be a mom who read all the books, as I’m a researcher at heart, but I have found myself avoiding them. Not only do I not have the time to read them, but I find listening to my gut – and talking with trusted friends who are parents – steers me in the right direction.

      Reply
  • December 18, 2013 at 9:06 am
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    I got a nice chuckle out of your post, which I also found from the article by that notorious dingbat. I like to read her because she makes me laugh with her far-out ideas. I’m immune to ‘mommy guilt’ because I’m actually a daddy (albeit a single one) and if there’s such a thing as ‘daddy guilt’, I haven’t come across it yet. I read a certain number of parenting books just so I would have different strategies for dealing with things when they came up, but of course the contradictory nature of much of it is self-evident. Babies are all so different and it’s just a matter of finding what works best for your particular child in your particular circumstance. It’s funny, despite having the best possible excuse for not breastfeeding (not actually having breasts!), a number of people still tried to guilt me into getting donor milk because without it my child will grow up a stunted human being. I laughed at them.

    Reply
    • December 18, 2013 at 5:41 pm
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      Your comment made me laugh – haha, yes you do have a fantastic reason for not breastfeeding! I always thought I’d be a mom who read all the books, as I’m a researcher at heart, but I have found myself avoiding them. Not only do I not have the time to read them, but I find listening to my gut – and talking with trusted friends who are parents – steers me in the right direction.

      Reply
  • December 20, 2013 at 3:17 pm
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    AMEN SISTA!!! I was so sick of feeling like if didn’t breast feed my child until he was 25 years old I was going straight to hell! Cutting Q off the boob during the day and giving him formula was the best thing I’ve done. I still nurse him when he wakes and when he goes to bed but that freedom during the day makes me feel much better about everything that I do as a mother and allows me to be my own individual self again. It really brought me back to sturdy ground (mentally). DO YOUR THANG GURL! You’re a good person and Edie is going to grow up beautiful inside and out just like you as long as there’s food in her belly and she has a warm loving place to sleep!

    Reply
    • December 21, 2013 at 9:42 am
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      I feel you! People get so strident when telling others how to raise their children. I’m so glad you did what is best for you and Q. Babies need a healthy, happy mama – and that’s just as, if not more, important than all the antibodies in breast milk. Good for you for finding a solution that works for you! xo

      Reply
  • December 20, 2013 at 3:17 pm
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    AMEN SISTA!!! I was so sick of feeling like if didn’t breast feed my child until he was 25 years old I was going straight to hell! Cutting Q off the boob during the day and giving him formula was the best thing I’ve done. I still nurse him when he wakes and when he goes to bed but that freedom during the day makes me feel much better about everything that I do as a mother and allows me to be my own individual self again. It really brought me back to sturdy ground (mentally). DO YOUR THANG GURL! You’re a good person and Edie is going to grow up beautiful inside and out just like you as long as there’s food in her belly and she has a warm loving place to sleep!

    Reply
    • December 21, 2013 at 9:42 am
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      I feel you! People get so strident when telling others how to raise their children. I’m so glad you did what is best for you and Q. Babies need a healthy, happy mama – and that’s just as, if not more, important than all the antibodies in breast milk. Good for you for finding a solution that works for you! xo

      Reply
  • December 27, 2013 at 5:52 am
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    Hello, just found your article through Psychology Today, and would like to thank you so much for speaking out! Darcia Narvaez is the most crazy “expert” I’ve ever read… and I don’t even know how she got her PhD…her article didn’t even made sense! As for experts, I believe that they often give good advice it’s just that they’re not as good to phrase it… and it seems to me that science has been hijacked by some crazy people who don’t understand it but use it to validate their beliefs (like for example in the vaccine thing), so right now it is hard to tell what is really scientific and what isn’t. In any case I decided not to read any parenting books for that very reason…Glad to have found this blog, will come back!

    Reply
  • December 27, 2013 at 5:52 am
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    Hello, just found your article through Psychology Today, and would like to thank you so much for speaking out! Darcia Narvaez is the most crazy “expert” I’ve ever read… and I don’t even know how she got her PhD…her article didn’t even made sense! As for experts, I believe that they often give good advice it’s just that they’re not as good to phrase it… and it seems to me that science has been hijacked by some crazy people who don’t understand it but use it to validate their beliefs (like for example in the vaccine thing), so right now it is hard to tell what is really scientific and what isn’t. In any case I decided not to read any parenting books for that very reason…Glad to have found this blog, will come back!

    Reply
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  • March 16, 2015 at 8:14 am
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    Thank you for this! Side note… Did you know that Darcia Narvaez, the professor at Notre Dame leading the Anti-Sleep Training movement has never had children. That’s right, she has never been exhausted with a 60hr work week ahead of her wondering what she was going to do about her baby. She has never woken up in the middle of the night while co-sleeping and watched her child ALMOST crawl off the bed. (I’ll take an alive temporarily traumatized infant that will grow up to be that will grow up to be a functional adult over someone paralyzed in infancy from a broken neck after falling off of his/her parent’s co-sleeping bed. And I’m not sleeping on the floor. That SH!% hurts!

    I too am so sick of the constant mommy guilt of “You must breast feed, you must co-sleep, you must be with your baby 24-7” but oh by the way we will only mandate 12 weeks of medical leave for you to take care of your baby after every 12months worked. Good Luck!

    This is my thing, give me/us a full year of paid leave to take care of our babies or SHUT THE F**K up! You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Oh and if you have NEVER had/adopted/Cared for a baby in the same capacity that a mother or father has at the age you are giving advice on…. tread very lightly. You better show me that you have a specific expertise on that subject. (Like Dr. Ferber. I recently read his book and it is actually really good and since he is an expert in the very specific field of PEDIATRIC SLEEP I’ll listen to him over some psychologist that hasn’t done any research to validate her claims.

    Okay rant over. Thank you for your blog post!

    Reply
    • March 16, 2015 at 11:32 am
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      This struck a chord with you, too, I see! I am totally with you—the constant barrage of “you must parent this way” is exhausting and infuriating. There are many types of babies and many types of good ways to bring them up!

      Reply
  • March 16, 2015 at 8:14 am
    Permalink

    Thank you for this! Side note… Did you know that Darcia Narvaez, the professor at Notre Dame leading the Anti-Sleep Training movement has never had children. That’s right, she has never been exhausted with a 60hr work week ahead of her wondering what she was going to do about her baby. She has never woken up in the middle of the night while co-sleeping and watched her child ALMOST crawl off the bed. (I’ll take an alive temporarily traumatized infant that will grow up to be that will grow up to be a functional adult over someone paralyzed in infancy from a broken neck after falling off of his/her parent’s co-sleeping bed. And I’m not sleeping on the floor. That SH!% hurts!

    I too am so sick of the constant mommy guilt of “You must breast feed, you must co-sleep, you must be with your baby 24-7” but oh by the way we will only mandate 12 weeks of medical leave for you to take care of your baby after every 12months worked. Good Luck!

    This is my thing, give me/us a full year of paid leave to take care of our babies or SHUT THE F**K up! You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Oh and if you have NEVER had/adopted/Cared for a baby in the same capacity that a mother or father has at the age you are giving advice on…. tread very lightly. You better show me that you have a specific expertise on that subject. (Like Dr. Ferber. I recently read his book and it is actually really good and since he is an expert in the very specific field of PEDIATRIC SLEEP I’ll listen to him over some psychologist that hasn’t done any research to validate her claims.

    Okay rant over. Thank you for your blog post!

    Reply
    • March 16, 2015 at 11:32 am
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      This struck a chord with you, too, I see! I am totally with you—the constant barrage of “you must parent this way” is exhausting and infuriating. There are many types of babies and many types of good ways to bring them up!

      Reply

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