A request to strangers: Please quit your judging

Why do I let myself get so wrapped up in a stranger’s judgment of my parenting?

The other day I had a doctor’s appointment, and Peeper came with me. It went long, and then it turned out I had to get blood drawn. Peeper had been a champion the entire time, but I didn’t know how much longer her good behavior would last.

Peeper creates art wherever she goes—including the doctor's office.
Peeper creates art wherever she goes—including the doctor’s office.

As the phlebotomist was taking my blood, Peeper played in the little room, which was shared with other patients. She was entertaining herself quietly and I couldn’t believe my luck. When she got down on the floor and started scooting around on her belly (“Pool! Swimming!”), I didn’t object. I figured pretend breaststroke was better than her throwing a fit or my ineffectively telling her “no” while literally hooked up to a needle.

Another phlebotomist walked in and scowled. “The floor is dirty. The floor is really dirty,” she said to no one in particular.

I was incensed.

That kind of passive-aggressive judgment is unhelpful and presumptuous. I can’t think of a single parent who needs to be informed that the floor is dirty. Common sense tells us that, but if we let a child play on the floor anyway, there’s probably a good reason—like the fact that there’s an empty vial stuck into one’s vein.

On the other hand, Peeper and I went to lunch the next day at Whole Foods. She finished eating, but I still had half a sandwich to go. She got down from her seat and had pushed our cart next to the silverware station.

When another diner got up to put away his plate, I went to move the cart. “Don’t worry about it,” he smiled. “Kids will be kids.”

The stranger’s compassionate understanding made my afternoon. I hadn’t been feeling great, Peeper had been bopping me in the face with her new balloon, and all I wanted was to finish my meal.

Maybe it’s a new(ish) mom thing, but I spend more time than I should worrying that my child is inconveniencing others. A certain level of courtesy should be standard, of course, but I so appreciate it when strangers extend that courtesy to her.

Peeper, as an 18-month-old, is learning about the world every second. Today’s lesson was in moving a shopping cart back and forth, not in making sure a lane was open for strangers to throw away their forks. She also saw someone shrug off a minor inconvenience and offer a smile instead of snark. That has to teach her something, too.

Perhaps the lesson I need to work on is not gracing the rude comments of others with my attention. I have too many other worthwhile things to think about—why waste my energy on the negativity of a brief encounter? (I’ve been working on this one a while—see my earlier post Swearing Off Parenting Advice—and I’ll likely continue to struggle with it.)

While I work on that, I’ll soak up the oh-so-welcome kindness strangers pass to this often-harried mama. Thank you, guy at Whole Foods. And thanks to all you others who smile or laugh or assure me my whirlwind of a daughter isn’t bothering you. On a rough day, it means the world.

0 thoughts on “A request to strangers: Please quit your judging

  • January 26, 2015 at 8:24 am
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    I have been worried about inconveniencing others, too. It was helpful to visit a mall with a mom of twins who truly DNGAF. “People had to watch out for us when we were little. Now it’s our turn to do the same instead of penalizing kids for being kids.” Truth!

    Reply
    • January 26, 2015 at 2:04 pm
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      YES! Parents who DNGAF are inspiring. I aim for a slightly more middle of the road attitude, but I love their confidence. And that quote is such a good reminder!

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  • January 26, 2015 at 8:35 am
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    Thanks for the reminder that I have no idea what’s going on in others’ lives, and that truly, it takes less effort to be kind than a jerk. AND a side bennie is it helps feed MY day with the good goods. xoxo

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    • January 26, 2015 at 2:03 pm
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      Yes—this is good for me to remember also! It can be applied the other way, too, though. Maybe the woman who made the remark had had a really hard day.

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  • January 26, 2015 at 5:35 pm
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    I’ve raised five daughters (and got a bonus daughter when I remarried) so I have a little bit of mom-cred going here. So for whatever it’s worth: People who judge your parenting or your kids either (a) never raised kids themselves, or (b) have conveniently forgotten what it was like to be in the trenches. The rest of us? We know. We remember, and out hearts go out to you. Sometimes we see you young mommies across the room with that look of worry on your face, trying to corral your kiddos just to appease the crowd, and we want to run over and hug you and tell you to let your little ones play and love life and get dirty and enjoy the ride.

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    • January 26, 2015 at 5:44 pm
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      Oh Renee, I feel your hug right now. Thank you, thank you. Your comment made my night.

      Reply
  • January 26, 2015 at 10:06 pm
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    You’re doing awesome. Keeping focus on balancing your own home and time and the people that surround you is enough without spending energy on those moments that don’t help you. I love the quote: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” It’s very true.

    Reply
  • January 27, 2015 at 9:57 am
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    whenever i see a parent out with kids i basically think – wow, you’re superhuman! i can’t even manage myself. and honestly sometimes i block people with my cart and i probably have touched many a dirty thing including sitting on the floor occasionally. hah! no judgement here. 🙂

    Reply
  • January 27, 2015 at 12:17 pm
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    Just wanted to let you know that I nominated you for the Real Neat Blog award! Head over to my blog and click on my post titled Real Neat Blog Award for all of the details 🙂

    Also, I know that some people mean well by telling you the floor is dirty and other comments.. But it’s important to know that I think you’re doing a great job at this mommy-thing and I am always inspired by your posts.

    Reply
    • January 27, 2015 at 2:33 pm
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      Wow, thank you so much! I enjoy your posts, too (and love the name 🙂 ). I’ll go check out that post!

      I’m trying to keep in mind that people’s comments are probably coming from a good place—of concern, worry or whatever—and I should do my best to give them the benefit of the doubt. It’s hard, though!

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  • January 28, 2015 at 12:13 pm
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    I hope you feel better soon; I think people always try to judge one no matter what and it surely is annoying. It does not go away – for my kids I try to have them be courteous to everyone even the rude person giving them the “eye”. It is our values at parents that will matter most to our children – at least that is what I think 🙂

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    • January 28, 2015 at 1:42 pm
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      You make a great point that we teach our kids by example, so how we respond to the judgy strangers will impart its own lessons.

      Reply

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