Some days

Some days I wake up and take in Kiwi’s wide-open eyes and marvel at how lucky I am to be her mama. Some days I get Peeper out of bed and ask her, “Is it going to be a good day?” And when she says, “Yes!” I am all-in.

Today is not one of those days.

I feel wrung out. I spent part of last night crying and all of it worrying about Kiwi. It’s probably regular newborn stuff, but I’m anxious that her inability to stay asleep, her grunting noises, even the spit bubbles that collect on her lips, reveal something deeper that is wrong.

Is Baby #2 easier?

I skated by in my second pregnancy without the worries of my first. “I got this,” I figured, and I did. I found the answers to the things I’d forgotten about without spiraling into a bout of anxiety.

I thought I’d ease into new motherhood again in the same way. Imagine my surprise, then, when breastfeeding was still hard. Really, really hard. And when I asked things like “Does her belly look distended to you?” And when I found myself paralyzed over whether to unwrap Kiwi’s swaddle or not.

Motherhood, like anything, is riding the ups and downs that come like a tide—if a tide changed every three minutes. It just so happens that I’m in an ebb, and that means not wanting to get out of bed. It means I don’t want to do today.

Probably in five minutes I’ll see Kiwi smile—a new development that lights up the entire house. I’ll eat some breakfast. Peeper will tell me all about the zoo train she is building and the animals she remembers seeing the last time we visited. Maybe I’ll even drink a cup of tea to counteract the zombie brain of waking I-can’t-remember-how-many-times last night.

Will it be a good day? I’m pretty sure it will be. But for the few moments I steal in bed, typing this on my phone, I’d rather go back to sleep and let the day enjoy itself.

0 thoughts on “Some days

  • August 27, 2015 at 1:38 pm
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    Aww hang in there mama. I definatly had those days when Jordan was born. I constantly worried about her. It’s better now but I still worry sometimes lol. It will get better. I promise 🙂

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    • August 28, 2015 at 9:12 am
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      Thank you! My head knows it’ll get better, but it helps to have other people remind me, too.

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    • August 28, 2015 at 9:12 am
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      Yes! I need to bank all the good moments to carry me through the hard times.

      Reply
  • August 28, 2015 at 1:07 am
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    Wonderfully written and I completely remember the similar fog and surprise of little realities with the second and exhaustion. Sending hugs and a reminder that you’ve got this, mama!

    Reply
    • August 28, 2015 at 9:12 am
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      Thank you, Marlynn! I’m feeling less foggy today—though I just realized I accidentally brewed DECAF tea. Ugh!

      Reply
  • August 28, 2015 at 5:08 am
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    I hear you! That anxiety is so universal, it seems. Just keep doing what you’re doing, and enjoy the tea 🙂

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    • August 28, 2015 at 1:35 pm
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      I guess the worrying goes along with being 100% responsible for a new life!

      Reply

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