Maternity leave vs meternity leave

By now you’ve read the infamous article about Meghann Foye’s “meternity leave,” or at least the outraged responses populating social media. Her jealousy over “co-workers clocking out for maternity leave” inspired the ire of parents who have taken family leave—and who bristle at the idea they simply checked out to drink mimosas on a weekday, reflect on their life path and admire a sweetly cooing infant. 

(Riiiiiiiight. I want that kind of maternity leave, too.)

A dear friend, who is a high school English teacher, was one of these angry mothers. But she was surprised when that anger turned into something completely different. These are her words. 


Maternity Leave Meternity Leave runningI read an article today about Meghann Foye’s desire for a “meternity leave” and I almost lost my shit. And by almost, I mean that I was near tears and had to call a friend. I said the dreaded words out loud—that I was losing control today. I was slipping closer to the void, getting closer to that dark, murky water where I wonder why I ever thought it was a good idea to have a child at all.

The first half of the title alone was enough to push me to the brink of exasperation: “I want all the perks of maternity leave…” What perks? Had I missed the perks?

Meghann describes a desire to reflect on her life, and to have time to grieve her losses—her “meternity leave”. The irony was so laughable I almost cried.

Yes, Meghann, I would like those things, too. Like you, I would like some quiet space and time, preferably weeks, to just sit around and wonder aloud to myself how the hell I got here. I would like time to grieve—truly GRIEVE my losses. You know, put on Sinead O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares to You,” imbibe in some fruit-flavored wine and cookie dough ice cream in cheerleading shorts, turn off all the lights, and lay on the floor and bawl-my-eyes-out GRIEVE until I feel better. I would like to grieve a list of the following things:

  • my empty bank account and my payment plan with the hospital after my daughter’s stay in the NICU
  • my previously unstained couch, carpet, seats of my car, and undergarments
  • the stretch marks on my breasts from having my milk come in so quickly after the birth of my daughter
  • the fact that life-affirming sex with my husband has been hard to come by since my daughter was conceived
  • my inability to find a fucking shirt that fits

I could go on. You get the point. That is, you do if you’re a mother, but Meghann is not. She does. not. get. this. Meghann, there is no time to grieve losses on maternity leave. There is only time to rack them up.

How could she not know this? How is this adult professional (who works in the journalism industry for God’s sake!) completely clueless about what maternity leave really looks like? Why do all of us mothers keep so quiet about how awful all of this is?

Everywhere I turned I felt more mad. I was mad while I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in my car for dinner. I was mad while I folded laundry. I was mad when I gave my daughter a bath. And I was REALLY mad at my husband when he asked if I could just run sprints up and down our street instead of going on my mile course because it was dark and 9 o’clock on a Friday night and he didn’t want anything to happen to me.

Right.

Because I, a grown woman, who has been battling demons and feeling very alone as another human literally sucks the life out of me CANNOT HANDLE running a half a mile away from my own house.

So I told him okay and then defied him, and ran the loop anyway. I blasted my music and took deep breaths of cool air and then it happened. I came across another runner. A man, carrying weights. Not hand weights. A big weight. A 30 pound dumbbell. Alone. At night. Without my phone, and not in a place where I told my husband I would be. All the hair on the back of my neck stood up and I felt afraid. I had one thought: if that man attacked me with that weight, no one would nowhere to look for me. And I ran.

I ran like a single woman.

I ran without thinking about my knee ligament that has bothered me ever since relaxin made it a little too loose. I ran without thinking about my too-full boobs that hurt. I ran without thinking about my husband or my daughter or my family or anything. I ran like I used to run: hard, fast, breathing heavy, and very, very afraid of being alone, of being acutely aware that if anything happened to me, it would be a long time before someone knew to miss me. I ran the entire way home with lungs of fire as I looked over and over and over my shoulder.

And all of my anger for Meghann melted away. I remembered what it was like to be “the old me.” To be a workaholic because I was so desperate to fill up all those empty hours after work was done. To have discussions with single friends who hoped that the algorithms of OK Cupid were a more accurate than match.com. To just want someone, anyone, to ask how I was doing outside of work, to take an interest in my life. To want to scream, Carrie style, “Where is the registry for not marrying the wrong man?!” Meternity leaves for everyone is right. I was perpetually on the brink of wanting to take a “leave” from this life because I was so painfully lonely. I remember that life.

And I suddenly saw all the perks of maternity leave: a chance to be missed. Maternity leave is a chance to go away and come back, to have others say how much you are good at your job, how they are glad you are back, to say how much they missed you and looked forward to your return because they SEE you and VALUE you. And you know what happens after you do go back to work? Then the table flips, and you get to keep your job and your income and hear how much you are missed at home.

So yes, I am always pulled too much. I am always moored and wanting more freedom and wishing I had more alone time, instead of being constantly surrounded by children and coworkers and work and chores and noise.

But that is just it. I am constantly surrounded. I am constantly missed, by people who honestly just always want me around.

Did you read the article about “meternity leave”? What did YOU think?

16 thoughts on “Maternity leave vs meternity leave

    • May 5, 2016 at 3:35 am
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      I know – didn’t she capture it all so powerfully?

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  • May 4, 2016 at 4:54 pm
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    I was JUST having this conversation with a friend who is a mother on maternity leave. She felt very similar! It’s helpful to know you aren’t alone and know that being a mom isn’t easy! You do a wonderful job. Keep your head up!

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    • May 5, 2016 at 3:37 am
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      Knowing you’re not alone is so important, especially in those early weeks of new motherhood. Solidarity is key!

      Reply
  • May 4, 2016 at 5:20 pm
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    Wow, that article has brought up a lot of good response! All of which says to me that everyone in our society needs a break from daily stresses, and unfortunately most employers in the US don’t provide that (2 weeks of vacation a year is typical) or allow for a flexible daily schedule that would help with our busy lifestyles. This is a bigger problem than it seems!

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    • May 5, 2016 at 3:38 am
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      Yes. I completely agree that it’s valid for everyone to have the chance to take a step back, nurse any wounds and figure out what they really want in life. What really rubbed me the wrong way about Meghann’s article was her assumptions about what an easy time women have on maternity leave.

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  • May 4, 2016 at 6:31 pm
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    I haven’t read the article, but I’ve seen many people share it with very strong opinions. It has struck a cord, that’s for sure.

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    • May 5, 2016 at 3:39 am
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      It definitely did. I’m glad people are speaking out about the realities of maternity leave—that it’s not all sitting around in your PJs watching Netflix!

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  • May 5, 2016 at 12:08 am
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    When I read the intro, I had to read the article. I honestly think the article with the horrible title is just a scheme to drum up publicity around her new book. I think it does bring up a point that many people in the corporate world are overworked with no overtime pay. I certainly was. That’s why I’m now my own boss. The smarter I work, the more I make. And I don’t have to put in 50+ hours per week to make a decent living.

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    • May 5, 2016 at 3:40 am
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      Overwork and underpay is bad for everyone – and unfortunately it’s all too common among women. That’s one reason I was so disappointed in the article’s tone. Women don’t need to be tearing each other down and calling each other out for “checking out” of the workplace and leaving the people who remain to pick up their slack.

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  • May 5, 2016 at 4:47 am
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    A beautiful response. This June I’ll be taking some vacation days and I realized that this is my first paid vacation that didn’t include sickness, a family member’s death or maternity leave. I might have taken a half day or something to get out of town for a camping trip, but not a week. I actually feel guilty about it because I just got back from maternity leave. GUILTY. It makes me sick. I do understand the idea of wanting protected time off work. I think sabbaticals are a great idea for many companies. I don’t like the idea of likening it to maternity leave however.

    I gotta say though, it was nice to be missed. 😉

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    • May 5, 2016 at 6:19 pm
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      Good for you! We (Americans) are pretty terrible at taking vacations even though they’re so needed. It will give everyone at the office a chance to miss you and all the fantastic work you do. You will come back even more appreciated!

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  • May 5, 2016 at 7:00 am
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    Oh I have to say that this is my favorite so far. So eloquently written, and so full of tenderness and honesty. I didn’t read the original article because it was shared sooooo much and I was tired of hearing about it. I have no room in life for ridiculousness that wastes my time, attention, and emotional energy, and I had a feeling that’s all the original article would do.

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    • May 5, 2016 at 6:18 pm
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      YES! There is no time in life for this kind of ridiculousness!

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  • May 9, 2016 at 6:29 pm
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    Beautiful, honest, and powerful. For me, as an older mom, your friend’s words stand as a reminder that I must not forget, as my children get older, how much we as mothers (particularly mothers of young children) struggle to maintain our own identities – and how strong is our innate drive to do so.

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    • May 10, 2016 at 3:54 am
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      I think it’s important to maintain a sense of self apart from the mother identity. It makes me, at least, feel more connected to myself as a whole person.

      Reply

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