Christmas is the best time of year no matter what, but it gets even better when you have kids. You get to relive the excitement of waking up Christmas morning, the joy of tearing through wrapping paper, the wonder of listening for jingle bells and hooves on the rooftop. And now that you have kids, you can decorate the perfect Christmas tree. (‘Cause kids never break Christmas decorations, right?)
To make this super-straightforward task even simpler, I’ve broken down how to decorate the perfect Christmas tree into just 18 easy steps. So what are you waiting for? Round up the kids and get ready to have the most Pinterest-perfect Christmas tree of all time!
How to decorate a perfect Christmas tree
- Load up the kids and head to a u-cut Christmas tree farm. When you get there, look at the mud and the rain and turn around; head to Home Depot instead. When you get there, you’ll see that both kids are asleep in their car seats and won’t budge when you try to wake them with whispers about Christmas trees. Get out and choose the first reasonably respectable tree you find.
- Drive home. Forget you have the Christmas tree on top of your car and pull into the garage anyway. Panic. Swear. Hope you haven’t wrecked the garage door opener motor with your $59.99 noble.
- Get everyone and the tree inside. Place the Christmas tree in its stand. Ask your kids to tell you when it’s straight. After 15 minutes of sweaty adjustments, look up and realize one child has been spinning in circles and the other is standing on one foot with her head cocked to the side. Tell yourself the tree is straight enough and that you’ll fluff out the branches if it’s lopsided. No one will notice.
- Put lights on the Christmas tree. Every three seconds, repeat, “Not yet—we’re almost ready to decorate—I have to put the lights up first.”
- Open your bin of ornaments. Pick up the first one, remembering the great-grandmother who gave it to you. Begin to tell your kids a story of visiting her farm when you were their age. Try not to flinch as your child unceremoniously grabs it out of your hand to put on the Christmas tree.
- Hand out ornaments to your kids as fast as you can. It won’t be fast enough.
- Soothe your youngest because she can’t manage to get the ornaments to hang on the Christmas tree.
- Take a potty break.
- Realize you forgot to put on Christmas music. Find a good Christmas station.
- Your children started a fight in the ten seconds you were looking at Pandora. Quietly tell your oldest you’ll find the most-specialist-best Christmas ornament for her to put up next.
- Quietly tell your other kids the exact same thing.
- Take a potty break.
- Resist moving the 12 ornaments your kids have placed on the same branch.
- Now that all of your ornaments are on the bottom two feet of the Christmas tree, it’s time for tinsel. Show your children how to select a few strands and drape them on the branches. Watch as they chuck handfuls of tinsel at the tree.
- Grit your teeth as your kids now pull handfuls of tinsel off the tree, then throw it back on, repeating endlessly.
- Ignore the dozens of ornaments that have fallen off and are now lying beneath the Christmas tree like a gruesome holiday graveyard.
- Finally, sit back with a cup of coffee (or something stronger) and admire your perfect Christmas tree.
- Hope your perfect Christmas tree lasts the night.
Merry almost Christmas from all of us!