The truth of motherhood: All the feelings of your baby growing up

The truth of motherhood: All the feelings of your baby growing up

The other day I was driving home when I saw the google maps car zipping along in front of me. I cracked up, which made my girls ask, “What are you laughing at, Mama?” Well, the funny way time passes was what made me laugh—but that would have made little sense to my kids, who just turned 3 and 5.

I told them a story instead. Read more

Tongue tie and breastfeeding: the undiagnosed reason BFing hurts

Tongue tie and breastfeeding: the undiagnosed reason BFing hurts

Moms, I’m pretty sure you’ll agree that your whole world changes when you deliver your baby and hold her in your arms for the first time. Your heart cracks open and comes together again in an entirely new way to make space for all the love you feel for the newest member of your family. In addition to the tsunami of feelings, though, can come the feeling of drowning in a wholly different way. When you first have your baby, you might wonder why breastfeeding is so hard, so painful, so frustrating. I learned this the hard way, and it took much too long for me to discover the reason why: tongue tie and breastfeeding is a combination that can turn out in truly horrible ways. Here’s the good news, though: You can fix your tongue tie and breastfeeding problems.

Tongue tie and breastfeeding: A fixable problem

Breastfeeding is hard for many women and babies, but it doesn’t have to stay that way. The first weeks of my older daughter Peeper’s life were filled with tears (from both Baby and Mom), slow or no weight gain, bleeding nipples and emotional turmoil. I searched for answers anywhere and everywhere, but the reason breastfeeding was so hard was closer: in my baby’s mouth.

Once I discovered the link between tongue tie and breastfeeding pain, my baby and I set off on the path to a happy, healthy breastfeeding relationship. I ended up breastfeeding Peeper for 14 months and Kiwi for 24 months—all because we corrected their tongue tie. Getting her tongue tie diagnosed also helped bring back my milk supply from almost nothing to being able to pump 5 ounces at a time.

Tongue tie and breastfeeding pain are often connected, but there's hope: My babies and I are proof. Ten Thousand Hour Mama

If you’re having trouble breastfeeding, I hope this post helps. If your baby has tongue tie, know that you’re not alone—and that fixing it may save your goals of breastfeeding.

The undiagnosed breastfeeding issue

When I gave birth to my first child, I knew I wanted to breastfeed. Yes, breastfeeding is good for both Baby and  Mama, but my breastfeeding goals were more instinctual and emotional. Something just felt right when Peeper scooched up, found my breast, and started nursing.

But breastfeeding also felt awful. It hurt. I thought pain while breastfeeding was normal; I figured the pain would go away. It didn’t, and after just 24 hours nursing my baby, my nipples were raw and sore.

Lactation consultants checked in on me, adjusted Peeper’s latch and referred me to breastfeeding advisers. I visited lactation experts three times a week, trying to fix my baby’s latch and get me some relief.

Tongue tie and breastfeeding problems often go hand-in-hand—and often go undiagnosed. Here's everything you need to know about tongue tie in babies. Ten Thousand Hour Mama

I had been nursing Peeper on bleeding nipples for a month before a lactation consultant asked me, “Has your baby been evaluated for tongue tie?”

My baby and I had seen at least a half-dozen lactation consultants and three pediatricians, and no one—not a single person—had suggested tongue tie affects breastfeeding. I had never even heard of tongue tie, so I didn’t know to ask about it.  But after I brought my baby to a pediatric ear, nose and throat doctor (ENT), he immediately diagnosed tongue tie.

A simple solution to save your breastfeeding relationship

Peeper’s tongue tie diagnosis didn’t come until she was 2 months old—quite late, considering she and I had struggled to breastfeed that entire time. Also during her first months, she ended up going hungry because my breast milk supply dropped from the lack of proper stimulation (from an incorrect latch due to the tongue tie) and pain.

Yet a few seconds and a pair of scissors corrected the tongue tie.

I was horrified that a doctor wanted to cut any part of my baby, but if one simple procedure would save our breastfeeding relationship, I was willing to try.

We didn’t see improvements in breastfeeding immediately. After all, Peeper had spent two months with restricted tongue movement from the tongue tie, so she had to unlearn months of muscle memory. What’s more, I had endured substantial nipple damage which took weeks to heal.

But eventually, Peeper and I relearned how to breastfeed. My breast milk supply returned, and Peeper started to nurse with a proper latch. She gained weight, and we resumed the beautiful breastfeeding relationship I’d dreamed of.

Does my baby have tongue tie?

While Peeper and I didn’t get help with her tongue tie until she was two months old, I knew what signs to look for with Kiwi, my second child.

Tongue tie and breastfeeding pain are often connected, but there's hope: My babies and I are proof. Ten Thousand Hour Mama

Kiwi showed many of the same signs of tongue tie that her big sister did.

The signs and symptoms of tongue tie in infants

  • A shortened frenulum, or vertical strip of tissue that connects the bottom of the tongue to the mouth. These tend to be thicker and they extend farther toward the tip of the tongue in many tongue-tied babies, limiting their ability to open wide and move their tongue. A shortened frenulum can be thought of as a short leash—it won’t let the tongue go as far as a typical tongue can move.
  • Pain while breastfeeding. Discomfort and even some pain is normal in the first days of breastfeeding as your body gets used to its new job, but extended and severe pain is not normal. Research shows that tongue tie accounts for many painful breastfeeding problems, so it’s important to consider tongue tie as one possible cause of breastfeeding pain.
  • Nipple damage. Tongue tie prevents a baby from opening his mouth wide enough to secure a good latch while breastfeeding. Tongue tied infants, then, have a shallower latch, and their sucking action may rub on your nipple, causing tissue damage.
    For me, I saw the worst nipple damage on the underside of my nipple, where my babies’ tongue would rub against while nursing.
  • Dribbling milk. A poor latch from tongue tie may cause a gap in between your breast and your baby’s mouth. I learned that milk dribbling out of your baby’s mouth is another sign of tongue tie.
  • Poor weight gain and low milk supply. The poor latch from tongue tie can make it hard for your baby to get enough breast milk. The pain from an improper latch, and the disrupted supply-and-demand feedback loop successful breastfeeding requires, can mean you don’t establish a good breast milk supply or that your supply drops.

What is tongue tie? What you need to know

Very few people—including pediatricians, even—have the most up-to-date information about tongue tie.

  1. Tongue tie can be anterior (marked by a frenulum that extends farther-than-average on the underside of the tongue) or posterior (a less obvious manifestation of the condition that still restricts tongue and mouth movement). Posterior tongue tie is less often diagnosed and less often corrected, despite research that shows correcting posterior tongue tie also improves breastfeeding.
  2. Tongue tie corrections involve a scissors or laser cutting the tissue on the underside of the tongue that restricts movement and flexibility. This is an outpatient procedure (meaning you won’t have to stay overnight). Doctors first numb the area and then cut the tissue, and babies heal quickly. It’s not fun for anyone, but it is safe. In a study of 3,000 infant tongue tie cases, not a single tongue tie revision went awry or caused side effects.
  3. Many tongue tie experts recommend “exercises” for parents to do post-procedure so the separated tissue does not heal back together. From my experience, these are emotionally hard—babies do not like many of the exercises—but crucial to preventing re-attachment (and a second round of the procedure).
  4. Experts don’t entirely know what causes tongue tie, but research suggests the condition is at least partly hereditary.

Fixing tongue tie ASAP

Although Peeper’s tongue tie was corrected late, Kiwi’s was corrected when she was eight days old. In many parts of the world, though, that would be considered late.

The bottom line for tongue tie correction: The sooner you correct an infant’s tongue tie, the better. An Australian study in the journal Breastfeeding Review showed that the later a baby’s tongue tie was released, the more likely a mother was to wean the baby early. In fact, the research showed, the sooner tongue tie is diagnosed and revised, the more mothers were satisfied with their breastfeeding relationship.

If you suspect tongue tie and breastfeeding pain are linked in your BFing problems, find an expert near you. Your family pediatrician, and even the average lactation consultant, might not be educated in the different presentations of tongue tie and how tongue tie affects breastfeeding. (For example, our pediatrician—whom I love and trust—saw no issue with either of my kids’ tongue anatomy, whereas experts flagged both children.)

Will correcting tongue tie help your baby and breastfeeding?

Only a medical specialist can tell you for sure if correcting a tongue tie will help your baby and fix breastfeeding problems; I’m definitely not an expert. But I have seen a monumental difference in my babies and in my breastfeeding issues after correcting tongue tie.

Tongue tie and breastfeeding pain are often connected, but there's hope: My babies and I are proof. Ten Thousand Hour Mama

Don’t take my word from it, though. A 2016 study of more than 200 babies found that infants who underwent tongue tie corrections saw breastfeeding improvements a week after the procedure—and that improvements continued for at least the first month. This trend held true for babies with posterior tongue tie (which is less often diagnosed, and which is what Kiwi had). What’s more, babies whose tongue ties were released were able to drink 155% more milk compared to before the procedure. (Side note: This article was authored by Dr. Bobak Ghaheri, one of the world’s leading experts on tongue tie and breastfeeding medicine, who also corrected Kiwi’s tongue tie. He has phenomenal tongue tie and breastfeeding resources on his web site.)

In addition, a different randomized, controlled study found that correcting a baby’s tongue tie was more effective in improving breastfeeding than intensive work with a qualified lactation consultant. In this study, 95% of the babies whose tongue ties were corrected were better able to breastfeed.

There are people out there who dismiss tongue tie as a fad, who will try to convince you tongue tie revision is an unnecessary and cruel procedure, and who will swear that your baby doesn’t have tongue tie despite showing all the signs and symptoms of tongue tie. But trust your gut and seek expert opinions if you think tongue tie and breastfeeding pain are linked for you. I’m so glad I did. After all, getting my babies’ tongue tie corrected enabled me to meet my goal of continuing to breastfeed. Fixing their tongue tie saved our breastfeeding relationship.

Again, I want to re-emphasize that I am not a medical professional. This post is based on peer-reviewed journal articles and studies, personal experience and medical advice I have received. This post is not meant to diagnose or treat anyone or any medical issue; rather, this post is meant to help struggling families get the information they need and advocate for themselves. 


If you’re looking to troubleshoot more breastfeeding problems, click these links because they have helped tens of thousands of other blog visitors. Here are my most popular breastfeeding posts:

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Prepare for Baby #2: A no stress guide from a two-time mom

When I was pregnant with my older daughter, I spent tons of time reading articles on how to prepare for your baby’s arrival. I could tell anyone who asked how far along I was, down to the day. I had no idea what to expect, so naturally I tried to prepare as much as I could. Fast forward to my second pregnancy, and things were a bit different. To prepare for Baby #2, I did a lot less—and I focused on only the essential tasks to get ready.

The different approach at times made me feel lazy, but looking back, I realized the no stress baby prep was precisely what I needed.

How to prepare for Baby #2: the essential tasks for a pregnant mom of a toddler. Ten Thousand Hour Mama Read more

12 best children’s books about a new baby: What we’re reading

These children’s books about a new baby will help a big sister- or big brother-to-be understand what’s coming, process their emotions and feel reassured that they’ll still be special even after the baby arrives. The post contains affiliate links.

12 best children's books about a new baby - Ten Thousand Hour Mama

When I was pregnant with Kiwi, Peeper and I read a lot of books about a new baby to help her know what was happening—and why Mom’s belly suddenly took up my entire lap. She had a lot of questions, which books helped us answer in a comforting way.

Kid’s literature also gave a reference point for us to talk about what would happen when our new baby was ready to come—and after.

12 best children's books about a new baby: Ten Thousand Hour MamaHow to help Big Sister adjust to a new baby: children's books about babies. Ten Thousand Hour Mama

When the Big Day came, Peeper was more calm and comfortable with everything that happened—and I’m convinced these children’s books about a new baby were a big factor. All the changes were more familiar and less scary because she’d read about them many times.

Rereading these books with her and Kiwi now, I finish with stories about when they were born: like the very first time Peeper met Kiwi in the hospital, she came in and sang her new baby sister “Happy Birthday.” Awwww!

And although their relationship has had its rocky points, they have become the best of pals.

How to help Big Sister adjust to a new baby - Ten Thousand Hour Mama

If you’re looking for children’s books about a new baby to explain what it means to be a big sister or big brother, start here. Add them to your cart or request them from the library: You and your child will want to read—and reread—them even after Baby arrives. Read more

9 things I wish I knew about weaning

Just a few weeks ago, I weaned Kiwi. Although I had a goal to wean her by her second birthday, I thought it’d never happen: She asked for milk all day, every day. Yet bit by bit, we decreased the amount she breastfed. Finally, there came a day when she didn’t nurse at all. And then there was another no-milk day. And just like that, weaning was complete.

Pretty much. (More on that below!)

It’s no secret around here that I’ve both struggled with breastfeeding and loved it. I nursed Peeper until she was 15 months old, and Kiwi until she was almost 2. But even though we’d semi-accidentally become an extended breastfeeding family, I was ready to wean.

Yes, I was ready to wean, but I wish someone had clued me in to some details about weaning I’d never heard—or read—about.

9 things I wish I'd known about weaning, 'cause stopping breastfeeding is a big deal. Ten Thousand Hour Mama Read more

Meals for new moms: Bring just what they need (& want!)

Everything you need to make delicious meals for new moms - Ten Thousand Hour Mama

When each of my girls was born, the steady delivery of meals was an enormous help. I couldn’t figure out how to breastfeed, much less feed myself, so the food friends brought nourished me in a way I deeply needed. In addition, their visits proved to be a much-appreciated and reliable contact with the regular adult world whose primary concern was not how many wet diapers the baby has had today. So if you’re considering making meals for new moms, I say to you: DO IT.

Since my big girls are no longer babies, I’ve had the opportunity to pay everyone’s kindness forward. I’ve brought quite a few meals for new moms and their families, and in the process I’ve learned a lot about what to do—and what not to do—when delivering meals to new moms.

So if you’ve signed up for a meal train, YOU ARE AWESOME. Know that by making a meal (or bringing takeout—that’s totally not cheating!), you are showing this new mama that she is loved, supported, cared for—and that her village will help lift her up as she undertakes the most monumental change of her life.

She is a new mom, and you are helping her become the best mother she can be.

(And that’s a big deal.)

If you’re not quite sure what to bring or what to do, though, you’ve come to the right place. When it comes to making meals for new moms, I share these 12 tips to help you make life easier for the family more focused on umbilical cord scabs than dinnertime.  Read more

DIY Mother’s Day gift for a mom-to-be: Pregnancy journal

This DIY Mother's Day gift is great for pregnant moms! A pregnancy journal with prompts. Ten Thousand Hour Mama

When I was pregnant with Peeper, and then with Kiwi, I did my best to record my thoughts, feelings and hopes for them. My journaling success was hit or miss with them—some nights I wrote long entries about the fluttery feeling of a tiny baby moving inside me; some nights I was too exhausted to do anything beyond flopping into bed. This year, I wanted to make a DIY Mother’s Day gift for some friends who are expecting so they, too, could remember this incredible time.

After some thought, I made a DIY pregnancy journal for two friends who are expecting their second babies. I know from experience that when you’re pregnant with Baby #2, you’re just not as focused on the pregnancy—after all, you’re too busy memorizing Daniel Tiger songs and ensuring your little daredevil doesn’t dart into the street. So I came up with these 30+ journal prompts—questions that will encourage a mom-to-be to reflect on her hopes and thoughts during pregnancy.

A DIY pregnancy journal makes a personal gift for a baby shower or Mother's Day. Plus it takes less than $5 and 15 minutes to make! Free download. Ten Thousand Hour Mama Read more

A little-known trick to pump more milk

A dear friend of mine (whom I’ll not name so I don’t embarrass her) recently texted me. She was at work on a short break and was pumping milk for her baby at home. Not only that—she was catching up on emails, sending me pics of her munchkin and blow drying her hair (which she’d left in a wet bun until now). I couldn’t believe all her multitasking while pumping at work. Wow, she is a supermom! I thought.

As her need to do so much during such a short time shows, pumping at work is not easy. Plus, many moms feel a lot of pressure to make enough milk for their babies while they are at work. So it’s no surprise that nearly every pumping mom I know has, at some point, wanted to pump more milk.

The $2 trick to pump more milk and increase your supply for breastfeeding! Ten Thousand Hour Mama Read more

What breastfeeding should feel like

When Peeper was born, I visited lactation specialists several times a week to try to get breastfeeding to work for us. She was my first baby, so I didn’t really know what breastfeeding should feel like—but I was pretty sure it shouldn’t feel stabby/excrutiating/make-me-cry painful.

When I asked one of the lactation nurses what breastfeeding should feel like, she gently pulled on my thumb. “Like that,” she said. I was bewildered; when Peeper latched, breastfeeding was definitely not that gentle.

Fast forward past many lactation appointments, a belated tongue tie correction, the use of a nipple shield and a lot of persistence, and breastfeeding finally did feel good—I finally got to the point where breastfeeding didn’t hurt.

But that’s not the only part of how breastfeeding actually feels. In short, it can hit a whole bunch of emotions, too. So if you’re wondering what you’re in for when you breastfeed your baby, read on.

What breastfeeding should feel like: Nursing moms may feel these emotional and physical parts of feeding her baby. Ten Thousand Hour Mama Read more

How to write a baby shower card: New mom parenting truths

Last year my sister and I threw my younger sister a baby shower, and while it was a lovely afternoon, it also sent me tripping down memory lane to my own showers (like this one and this pirate-themed sprinkle). It also made me think about how to write a baby shower card—and whether I wanted it to be super sweet, slightly snarky, or a combination of both.

At my sister’s baby shower, I couldn’t help but smile at the simultaneously awkward and sweet present-opening tradition, where she sifted through tissue paper-filled gift bags and tried not to cry.

I also remembered reading the touching sentiments people had written me—and the inane platitudes printed on baby shower cards. It’s pretty much guaranteed that if there’s a picture of a stork on the card, the inside message will mention “sweet bundle of joy” or “miracle of birth”—cliches that make me puke a little mimosa in my mouth.

If you’re trying to figure out how to write a baby shower card for the special expecting mama in your life, don’t fall back on some general comment or call it good at “congratulations.” Write out one of these parenting truths—with, of course, the humor and understanding of one mom to another.

How to write a baby shower card: Parenting truths for a new mom. Ten Thousand Hour Mama

Parenting truths for a baby shower card

Many parenting truths are not Hallmark material. Here are a few realizations I had to make the hard way.

Feel free to co-opt them when you’re figuring out how to write a baby shower card of your own!

  1. You will be so tired that you will literally hallucinate. In the depths of newborn sleep deprivation, you and your partner will pass a phantom baby back and forth. When you wake up-ish, you will freak out because oh my god what happened to the baby? and of course she will be sound asleep in her bed.
  2. One does not simply put shoes on a baby. Trying to get those adorable Nikes and tiny Toms onto your baby’s itty bitty, squashy, totally uncooperative feet will make you feel like the most incapable person ever to have kids.
  3. Raffi is not all bad. Some of his songs you can actually get behind. And some of it is drivel that makes you want to puncture your eardrums with a teething wafer.
  4. Your wardrobe is no longer your own. Gone are the days you buy clothes because they’re cute and they make you feel good. Now the most important criteria are easy access to the boobs and ability to camouflage avocado puree.
  5. You’ll do everything you said you wouldn’t. You’ll breastfeed your baby to sleep, use all the sleep crutches and hand your phone to a fussy toddler when you’re in the checkout line. And you’ll still be a good mother.
  6. You’ll try to do everything you said you would—then give up. It turns out that cloth diapers actually do require more effort than disposable, pureeing your own baby food is a giant pain in the ass and making all those Pinterest sensory activities doesn’t feel worth it when your baby loses interest after 10 seconds. That’s ok—you probably grew up eating cold hot dogs and wearing clothes washed in regular laundry detergent, and look how great you turned out!
  7. Your baby will pee the second you change him into a dry diaper. Or the second you take off the wet one. (Where’s that peepee teepee?!)
  8. You will do whatever it takes to make your child feel better. Even if that involves sucking the snot out of her nose. With your mouth. Ew.
  9. You will become boring. Other people don’t care that much about how your three-month-old can roll over, or what her third solid food will be, but they will smile and nod. Which is a good thing, since you’ll be so sleep deprived that you’ll cut anyone who doesn’t indulge your mommy ramblings.
  10. You will be hopelessly, mind-bendingly, overwhelmingly in love. Seriously. There is no way to prepare for the monumental changes your heart will undergo. This one just has to be learned firsthand.

Do you have any tips on how to write a baby shower card?