Don’t ask. Just help.

don't ask just helpWhen Kiwi was a few months old, a friend texted me.

“I’m coming over. Be there in 15.”

I was a little surprised—we’d met a month or two earlier in moms’ group, and our babies were mere weeks apart, so we didn’t know each other terribly well. I didn’t really know what to expect.

When she arrived, I welcomed her into my home, trying not to think of the dog hair tumbleweeds and last night’s dinner-coated dishes still on the counter.

“I’m here to guerrilla help,” she said, stepping inside. “You never take me up on my offers to help. But here I am.”

She set down her baby, who was sleeping in her car seat, and asked if I’d rather she do a load of laundry or scrub my shower.

Seriously.

She ended up bouncing Kiwi, who woke up from a two-minute nap and refused to go back to sleep. But that was a bigger help than battling shower scum to a harried, exhausted, desperate mother who spent nearly every minute of the day trying to get a baby to sleep.

My friend did something special that day. She rescued me from one more attempt to bounce my baby to sleep—the time that may have pushed me over the edge. She let me know I wasn’t alone. She showed up when even I didn’t know I needed her. She lived what should be the international mother’s motto: Don’t ask. Just help. 

Throwing a lifeline

I thought of my friend’s guerrilla help on a recent morning. I’ve been concerned about another friend of mine: She’s a whirlwind of activity as she gets her house ready to list, she’s burnt out by the uncountable times she tells her preschooler “We are kind and safe with our bodies” and she’s had several scary health episodes in the last few weeks.

So I texted her, asking if she was around. Then I arranged for my mother-in-law to watch my own kids and headed over.

For the next few hours, I hung out with her one- and three-year-olds. While my friend showered, I chased her girls around the living room. While my friend packed, I read the girls books. And when Big Sister pushed over Little Sister, I repeated, “We are kind and safe with our bodies” several hundred times.

In all, my friend didn’t “accomplish” a ton. By the time I left, she had clean hair and precisely one box packed.

But other moms understand just how powerful that can be.

Getting something accomplished, even something seemingly minor like taking a shower or boxing up dishes, is so hard when you have little kids running around. That’s why it’s such a relief to check even minor tasks off your list.

Helping your village

Many of us live far from family, or our relatives can’t—or won’t—help. Many of us can’t afford childcare or a mother’s helper. Many of us feel isolated and lonely from a string of days picking up puffs and wiping tushies.

So when times get tough, we moms have to be our own village.

The next time another mother texts you in a panic, or you notice a friend just isn’t herself lately, I ask you to consider what you can do.

If you say, “Call me if you need anything,” I can pretty much guarantee she’ll never call. Asking for help is so hard.

If you say, “How can I help?” that’s better—but your friend might not know. And she might not want to inconvenience you.

But if you don’t ask, just help—well, she can’t brush off your offer.

So bring her dinner. Make a Starbuck’s run and deliver a venti latte. Take her kids to the park. Send her flowers. Tell her what an amazing job she’s doing.

Don’t ask—just help.

14 thoughts on “Don’t ask. Just help.

  • June 2, 2016 at 8:38 am
    Permalink

    This is such a great reminder to show up because you’re right sometimes it’s hard to ask for help or answer that question of how can I help. I feel like sometimes we don’t even realize just how much help we might need until it knocks on our door.

    Reply
    • June 3, 2016 at 1:58 pm
      Permalink

      I so agree. And even if there’s nothing to help with, the company is always nice!

      Reply
  • June 2, 2016 at 5:35 pm
    Permalink

    I think this is great advice for any friend to follow – whether the other person has small ones or not. But especially when the other person has small ones! 🙂

    Reply
    • June 3, 2016 at 1:58 pm
      Permalink

      You’re so right, Jen! It’s hard to ask for help if you have kids or not.

      Reply
  • June 2, 2016 at 7:26 pm
    Permalink

    Seriously this is the best- when someone definitely needs help- lottle ones, or maybe a sick or injured family member- it’s pretty applicable. I’m adding this to my list of parenting mantras!

    Reply
    • June 4, 2016 at 2:21 pm
      Permalink

      It’s a good one! I should sell a bumper sticker. 😉

      Reply
  • June 6, 2016 at 3:05 pm
    Permalink

    It’s so easy to forget that something like dinner or starbucks can totally change somebody’s day. Thank you for the reminder – as a woman without children (but alllllll my friends have kids) sometimes I feel like I’d be imposing on a busy momma by just “dropping in” but you’ve given me a new perspective on that!

    Reply
    • June 7, 2016 at 1:04 pm
      Permalink

      I think that as long as we drop by with minimal expectations – say, not to just hang out but to drop by a meal or unload the dishwasher – the surprise will be very welcome!

      Reply
    • June 7, 2016 at 1:04 pm
      Permalink

      We all could stand to do it a little more often!

      Reply
  • June 7, 2016 at 6:40 pm
    Permalink

    I’ve been guilty of saying “let me know if you need anything” too often, instead of just showing up with the meal or gift card or myself to watch a friend’s children. Yet I have been so blessed when other moms have gone out of their way to help me without asking what I needed. They were just thoughtful enough to show up and care. Thank you for linking up and sharing this great reminder with #FamilyJoy!

    Reply
    • June 8, 2016 at 10:48 am
      Permalink

      I am guilty of that, too! But with all the times others have helped me, I try to make the effort to just show up and help.

      Reply
  • June 11, 2016 at 7:49 pm
    Permalink

    Your friend sounds like pure gold. wow! What a perfect way to help out a momma. <3

    Reply
    • June 14, 2016 at 3:19 pm
      Permalink

      Oh she is. Even better, she inspired me to just show up and help even when a fellow mom hasn’t asked. It’s a helluva way to pay it forward!

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge