6 ways to embrace self-care and feel more like yourself

At the beginning of February, I wrote about how I was feeling exhausted—physically, mentally and emotionally. So I made it my monthly resolution to restore and replenish. It’s been just a month since then, which isn’t a ton of time for big changes, but I can say this: I feel so much better. I feel more like myself. And I’m embracing self-care.

Meaningful change is gradual. Like crash diets or cramming for a test, intense bouts of self-reinvention rarely lead to lasting, sustained changes. What’s more, the all-out mentality isn’t exactly refreshing, is it?

So I approached my goal to restore and replenish less as a project and more of a practice in intentionality, self-reflection, self-care and even paring back.

The result: I feel more energized (even though I’m still tired—I blame nearly three years of raising a terrible sleeper). I feel happier. I feel more in touch with those I love. I feel more like myself.

These are the 6 things that helped me get here. I know that self-care isn’t a one-time deal; self-care is an ongoing practice to treat yourself as well as you treat others. So I’ll check in on this post going forward to remind myself of the things that helped me feel more like myself. I hope they help you, too.

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6 self-care ideas to replenish, heal and love

1. Forget self-improvement—at least for a while

A wise friend of mine told me, “You’re already wonderful, you’re already yourself. There’s nothing to fix.” She pointed out that I don’t have to undertake loving myself as a project; it’s more about being present to the times I feel my best self, and to choose to react to my circumstances using my most essential qualities. So I set aside the self-help books during my month of replenishing myself. Instead, I gave myself permission to re-read (for probably the 20th time) my all-time favorite book from my childhood, the Celtic young adult novel The Hounds of the Morrigan.

Going forward:

That said, I’m feeling mentally and emotionally ready now to begin some of the self-care work wise authors can guide me through. So I’ve started reading Start Right Where You Are by Samantha Bennett, which reads like a close girlfriend is giving you all the love—and sometimes tough love—you need. I’ve found her approach of suggesting tiny changes that can open you up to more opportunity totally helpful and not at all overwhelming.

I’ll also be reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, who is pretty much the queen of radical self-love, embracing vulnerability and changing the stories we tell ourselves.

2. Reach out for help

I scheduled a doctor’s appointment, and my physician helped me rule out scary medical reasons for my dip in energy. I also started seeing a therapist again. It seemed superfluous to continue booking appointments with her once I began to feel more like myself, but I acknowledged that feeling—and continue to see her twice a month anyway.

Going forward:

I’m looking at appointments with my therapist as self-care and as worthwhile maintenance for my well-being. Just as you’d take your car in for oil changes and go to the doctor for regular checkups, talking with a therapist can ensure you’re operating at your best. What’s more, talking through issues and stresses now will help prevent a crisis later.

3. Say no

When I went on a moms’ weekend to Hood River last month, I stayed home with one mom (who had a baby there) instead of going out to the bar with everyone else. And you know what? It felt so freaking good to say no.

As I read my book in bed at 9:30pm, feeling comfortable and drowsy, I was so proud of myself for doing what felt best for me. As I’ve grown older, I have come to realize I don’t like bars. In the past, I would have pushed myself to go out with my friends anyway so I didn’t miss out. It felt like an epiphany to instead say no, embrace what I needed in the moment and take care of myself.

Going forward:

I have serious trouble saying no—to work commitments, invitations from friends, asks for help, anything. And I have a fear of missing out when others get together without me.

Even still, I am basically an undercover introvert: I love people, and I can be super social, but I need a lot of recharge time. I feel overwhelmed if I have more than a few events or commitments each week. And when I feel run down, I have even less energy to give to others.

So it will be a challenge for me to make saying no a part of my self-care. I also need to give myself permission to cancel plans if I really don’t feel up to it—and then shed the guilt that comes with those broken plans. This is definitely a work in progress.

4. Love who you are—not just what you do

I came to realize that my 2018 slump was partly from a string of challenging projects at work in which I didn’t feel like my best work was being valued. I am good at my job, and it has always been something I could feel good about, even when I felt like a disaster of a mother or a failure as a wife. So it felt especially crippling when I couldn’t prop myself up with my identity as a writer, as a provider, as a productive freelancer.

I ended up going on a retreat with a handful of wise, compassionate, honest, beautiful women from The Perlene in February. One thing we did was extremely uncomfortable but also pivotal: Each of us stood at the front of the room while everyone else tossed out words that represented what they saw to be part of our essential being, not doing. I ended up with these five words:

grace

devotion

adventure

magic

power

A real turning point for me was the word “magic.” It wasn’t “creative,” as I would have said, as that is so tied to producing something—i.e. tying my value to my job as a writer or storyteller. Instead, “magic” seems to be something I embody and bring to a room.

I have to resist my, well, resistance to this exercise, as it feels a little woo-woo for me. But the truth is it has helped me uncover and see who I am, not just what I do.

Going forward:

I have been art journaling around these words, which has helped me become more familiar with the parts of me tied to those words. The process also helps me become more comfortable with the words I don’t yet feel ready to own.

Work is going much better now, but I want to continue to get better acquainted with my self separate from what I produce. As a friend said, who would I be if I got fired, lost my house, and circumstances went to shit? I’d still be a valuable person, worthy of love. That’s who I want to nurture.

5. Communicate

In person, I tend to be more of a listener and I have a hard time opening up about deep things. I am better at expressing complex emotions through writing (and this is where you say, “well, duh!”). But one of my action steps in my goal to replenish was to communicate what’s going on inside so I don’t further isolate myself.

Well, one way I did that was to send a blog post to my mom. I found it uncomfortable to tell her what was going on in person, but I wanted her to know where I was in my head—so I forwarded a link. It was a way to communicate that worked for me.

I’ve also been trying more direct communication with my husband. Part of self-care is caring for my relationships, and talking about important things, like my health and emotions, is sometimes hard—but crucial to staying close as partners.

Going forward:

I’ll be continuing to identify the best ways for me to communicate my needs and my feelings. I’ll also have to push back against my tendency to hide my struggles and pretend I’m ok—even if I’m not.

6. Let go of everything that “should” make you feel more like yourself

When I spoke to my doctor last month, I told her how frustrated I was that I was following all the things that “should” make me feel more like myself. I took vitamin D, B12, probiotics, calcium. I did yoga. I cut out gluten, dairy and alcohol. I had a date night with my husband. I saw my friends. I volunteered.

And still—still—I didn’t feel like my usual self.

I had to reframe how I looked at these actions. I started to see them less as tasks, things that as soon as they were done would yield an end result, and more as self-care.

I still take vitamins and schedule date nights, and I recently got back on the no-gluten, no-dairy wagon. I have recognized that these things fill me up and make me feel healthier—but they’re not a sure-fire cure to the blahs.

Going forward:

I write for a living, and I often report stories about women’s health. So I tend to think about my health as an article. I recall what expert sources have told me when I interview them, and I use my writer-self to tell my me-self what to do. Sometimes this works, but it wasn’t helping this year.

Instead, I’ll focus on the self-care practices I know will make me feel good: yoga, a cup of tea, snuggling my dog, cozy blankets.

Even if I have doctor and life coaches’ quotes telling me something should make me feel more like myself, then, I can take it with a grain of salt. After all, it’s only helpful if it, well, helps.

When things get tough, what do you do for self-care? What helps, and what doesn’t?