Six awkward (and sometimes gross) mom moves

Once upon a time, before Peeper was even a gleam in my eye, my husband and I visited his brother’s family in Michigan. He and his wife had just had a boy, their first child, and I was thrilled to meet my first nephew.

The ensuing days were like a crash course introduction to what motherhood actually looks like. Much of the trip is now a blur—it was about eight years ago, after all—but I distinctly remember my sister-in-law scraping out a bit of wax from her son’s ear.

Ewww, I thought. I’ll never do that.

HA!

I have, indeed, pulled that mom move, along with many others that are sometimes weird and occasionally gross. Here’s a list of just a few of the weird things only moms understand.

Six awkward (and sometimes gross) mom moves

1. The spit clean. I’m pretty sure you can’t actually be a real-live mom unless you at some point use your own saliva to rub a glob of iron-fortified oatmeal off your baby’s face.

2. The baby stare. Whenever I’m out in public without Peeper, my rugrat radar goes off whenever a little one is within a 100-foot radius, and I can’t. tear. my eyes. away. I’m a creeper, I know, and I’m sorry. The end.

3. The boob grab. If I’ve been away from Peeper for a few hours, I find myself groping myself—just a little—to see how full of milk the girls are. I don’t even mean to, I swear. It’s just a subconscious habit of a breastfeeding mama, I guess.

4. The baby bird. No knife? No problem. I’ll just break this tomato into non-chokable-sized pieces with my teeth. Peeper constantly covers me with her drool, so she won’t mind if her meal comes with mama spit. Fair’s fair.

5. The chimpanzee. Peeper’s had cradle cap since she was born, and every so often I coat her head with coconut oil, shampoo her and then go to town picking off the flaky skin. It grosses out my husband, but it’s oh so satisfying.

6. The finder’s keepers. When we’re playing after lunch, sometimes I find leftovers—a chunk of banana, a puff—stuck to myself or Peeper’s clothes. If there’s not a trash can handy, I’ll pop it in my mouth. (As long as it’s reasonably fresh, of course.)

Peeper subscribes to the finder's keepers rule, too.
Peeper subscribes to the finder’s keepers rule, too.

 

What mom moves did I miss?

15 thoughts on “Six awkward (and sometimes gross) mom moves

  • June 4, 2014 at 12:52 pm
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    Yeah, #6 is totally me….

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  • June 4, 2014 at 2:35 pm
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    Ahhh … the boob grab. I remember it well. And I still stare at babies … and mine are 14 & 16. So.damn.cute.

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  • June 4, 2014 at 2:53 pm
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    Funny! I hope to be a mom someday. Thanks for the heads up. Maybe I won’t think these things so gross when I get there!

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    • June 4, 2014 at 4:03 pm
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      Haha, they’re still pretty gross, but having a kid is like desensitization therapy for grossness. After a while, you don’t even bat an eye!

      Reply
  • June 4, 2014 at 3:22 pm
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    I was just thinking about the boob grab this morning as I did it publicly at my office without thinking.

    Also: the diaper sniff. You know, how you REALLY get your face in there and mash nose into their plush booty? (And don’t REALLY mind the smell, either?)

    Reply
  • June 4, 2014 at 3:39 pm
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    This is great! I’m going to send it to my friend who just had a baby two weeks ago! Thanks for sharing the grossness 😉

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  • June 5, 2014 at 1:00 am
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    This is a great list! I had a discussion with a friend this weekend about the spit clean. She is a stepmom and had done it so she is now legit. 🙂

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  • June 5, 2014 at 12:02 pm
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    I’ll have to send this to my sister who has three under the age of five. Funny.

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  • June 5, 2014 at 8:09 pm
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    I’ve been pitting cherries lately by popping them in my mouth and handing the edible parts over to Oliva once I’ve separated out the pit. Who has time to cut the damned things? I love this post Catherine! So funny!

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  • June 6, 2014 at 6:55 am
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    Haha no.3 is totally me! I don’t even know I’m doing it anymore until someone gives me a funny look….

    Reply
    • December 23, 2016 at 9:29 am
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      Well, they’re certainly real! We moms gotta be honest about what goes into motherhood—the good, the bad and the gross. 🙂

      Reply

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