Once upon a time, before Peeper was even a gleam in my eye, my husband and I visited his brother’s family in Michigan. He and his wife had just had a boy, their first child, and I was thrilled to meet my first nephew.
The ensuing days were like a crash course introduction to what motherhood actually looks like. Much of the trip is now a blur—it was about eight years ago, after all—but I distinctly remember my sister-in-law scraping out a bit of wax from her son’s ear.
Ewww, I thought. I’ll never do that.
I have, indeed, pulled that mom move, along with many others that are sometimes weird and occasionally gross. Here’s a list of just a few of the weird things only moms understand.
Six awkward (and sometimes gross) mom moves
1. The spit clean. I’m pretty sure you can’t actually be a real-live mom unless you at some point use your own saliva to rub a glob of iron-fortified oatmeal off your baby’s face.
2. The baby stare. Whenever I’m out in public without Peeper, my rugrat radar goes off whenever a little one is within a 100-foot radius, and I can’t. tear. my eyes. away. I’m a creeper, I know, and I’m sorry. The end.
3. The boob grab. If I’ve been away from Peeper for a few hours, I find myself groping myself—just a little—to see how full of milk the girls are. I don’t even mean to, I swear. It’s just a subconscious habit of a breastfeeding mama, I guess.
4. The baby bird. No knife? No problem. I’ll just break this tomato into non-chokable-sized pieces with my teeth. Peeper constantly covers me with her drool, so she won’t mind if her meal comes with mama spit. Fair’s fair.
5. The chimpanzee. Peeper’s had cradle cap since she was born, and every so often I coat her head with coconut oil, shampoo her and then go to town picking off the flaky skin. It grosses out my husband, but it’s oh so satisfying.
6. The finder’s keepers. When we’re playing after lunch, sometimes I find leftovers—a chunk of banana, a puff—stuck to myself or Peeper’s clothes. If there’s not a trash can handy, I’ll pop it in my mouth. (As long as it’s reasonably fresh, of course.)
What mom moves did I miss?